Voyeur
by ExtraSaber
Summary: Kyon goes to school only to find naked pictures of him everywhere! Shock! He and Master Detective Haruhi will have to settle their differences and work together to get to the bottom of this mess! ONE SHOT


**A/N: This idea has been stuck in my head for a while and I just couldn't take it anymore. This whole thing just sort of... came to me. Just like that. Without further ado, enjoy, I guess.

* * *

**

It was another ordinary day. In a world where ordinary days are everything but ordinary, of course. As if any day has been normal since I started high school. Not to get off topic, though.

Class was starting in about 10 minutes. I was pretty early. However, after entering the building I noticed that students were staring at me strangely. Just what's this all about, I wondered. And then I reached the bulletin board.

"...wha... WHAT IS THIS?!"

On the bulletin board was a picture of me. _Naked._

* * *

_Voyeur

* * *

_

After getting over the shock of seeing a nude picture of me on the board, I decided to head over to the classroom and get some answers. Naturally I tore the picture down, thinking that was it. But as I reached the classroom I saw not one, but two copies of the dreadful bearer of bad luck pasted on the wall. I hastily tore the two pictures down and uncomfortably shuffled to the classroom, my face ghostly pale.

I slowly reached my seat, looking awkwardly at the desk. Haruhi, of course, was right there behind me. There were about 3 other students here. Taniguchi and Kunikida weren't here yet, thankfully. I turned to Haruhi with a mean look on my face. She looked puzzled, though I could pick up a faint blush on her face. Ugh, Haruhi...

"Haruhi." I said, sternly.

"...what?" She replied.

"Why did you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Spread those pictures around!"

She hastily looked out of the window, her face glowing red.

"I-I-I had nothing to do with that! I swear!" She blurted out. She then looked at me suspiciously. "But how did those pictures get around? Who took them?"

"Wha... how am I supposed to know?!"

"When was the last time you were... in the buff?" Haruhi asked, putting on her best detective face. I hesitated a bit.

"Yesterday, last night, to be exact. I just got out of the shower and I was getting dressed, alright?"

"So..."

"...so?"

"You snapped a naked picture of yourself?"

"**No**! WHY would I do that?! And I'm not even holding a camera or a phone in the picture!"

"Hmmm... wait a sec." Haruhi said, walking out of the classroom. She entered shortly after, holding... yes, _the picture_.

"W...w...what are you doing with _that_?" I stuttered out. I like to consider myself a person who doesn't get embarrassed easily. Read: I lie to myself.

"Oh, we're gonna examine _this_ little piece for clues!" Haruhi said, taking a deep breath. "Leave it to **Master Detective Haruhi Suzumiya**!" She sat down with an obvious look of self-satisfaction on her face.

"Okay, so... what do we do now?"

"We investigate! _Investigate_!"

I sighed and pointed at the picture.

"So, as you can see, I'm standing in my room. I just got out of the shower, which is backed up with the fact that my hair is still somewhat wet."

"Yes, I can see that. Where were you standing?

"In front of a mirror."

"Why?"

"Because my closet just so happens to have a mirror on the door. What do you want from me?"

"Hm, it does look like you're just about to change. You have a blank expression on your face."

"I know."

"And you're not posing or anything."

"I know."

"And your-"

"**I know!** I know! I was there!"

Haruhi cleared her throat, a slight blush forming on her face once again.

"So, was there anyone else in the house?"

"No. I've been alone since two days ago."

"Really? Where's your sister?"

"On a class trip to Okinawa."

"And your parents?"

"Okinawa, too. They used my sister's class trip as an excuse to take a vacation."

"Oh, I see. So you were completely alone in the house."

"Yes, I was."

"Hmmm..." Haruhi looked at the classroom door, puzzled. Taniguchi and Kunikida walked in, looking at me strangely. Class was about to start and it'll be _long_.

* * *

After a very awkward class, lunchtime finally arrived. Haruhi promptly dragged me to the SOS Brigade club room. There was nobody there, thankfully. Haruhi sat on the nearest desk with a stack of pictures in her hand.

"Wh...why do you have so many?" I asked.

"Oh, these? I picked up some on our way here. They're really all over the place, huh?" She answered. She looked at me, a slight grin forming on her lips.

"What? What is it?"

"Come on. We're gonna go investigate!" She said, her trademark enthusiasm radiating through her voice.

"Investigate? How are we going to 'investigate'?"

"Search for fingerprints, question students, have convenient flashbacks and so on."

"You're mistaking this with some crime drama, aren't you?"

"They were showing an '_ICS: Investigating Crime Scenes_' marathon last night. I'm so ready to catch this perp!"

"Figures."

"Shut up and stop wasting our precious, precious time. Let's go go **GO**!" She practically yelled, dragging me out of the club room. What was the point of coming here in the first place?

Anyway, we walked around, tearing down any copies of the picture we could find along the way. Man, there are a lot of them! As luck would have it, we ran into Tsuruya and Asahina-san. Asahina-san looked at me, obviously shocked. Her face became completely red, tears forming in her eyes. Then she ran away. As fast as she could.

"Ah! Mikuru!" Tsuruya called after her. She sighed and looked at me. "_Oh_, Kyon. Just what's with all those pictures around? Are you narcissistic or what?" She tried to look angry but started giggling ferociously soon after.

"That's not it! I have absolutely no idea why the hell those pictures are all over the place! I don't even know how that picture exists!" I explained to her.

"Oh, is that so?" She says, calmly. I sigh.

"Please pass that on to Asahina-san. I don't want this getting any more complicated than it already is."

"Will do! You can count on me!" She said cheerfully, marching off into the direction Asahina-san ran to. I looked at Haruhi and smiled uncomfortably.

"Kyon". She said.

"What is it now?"

"We're going."

"Going? Going where?"

"To your house."

...

Wait, what?

"Did you not hear me? We're going to your house."

"But, why?!"

"We're going to examine examine examine your room for clues! Now let's go!"

* * *

And with those words she grabbed my tie and promptly dashed outside. I guess I should be worrying about class, though it's not like I could get anything done with the mystery still unsolved. And I'd like to get to the bottom of this quickly and save face if possible. Haruhi being the fast runner that she is, we reached my house miraculously quickly.

"OKAY! Let's do this!" She yelled enthusiastically. Perhaps a bit _too_ much.

We walked up to my room, stopping in front of the door.

"You said you were in front of the mirror last night, right?"

"Yeah. So?"

Haruhi smiled.

"We'll just have to recreate the conditions!"

"...excuse me?"

"Strip in front of the mirror."

...

**What.

* * *

**

I stared at her in disbelief.

"You... _cannot_ be serious."

"Oh, I'm **dead** serious."

"But what'll we learn?! I sure didn't notice anything last night!"

"Well, you had just gotten out of the shower and were getting ready for bed, right?"

"Right."

"Well, you had to have been drowsy and tired. You might have missed some valuable information!"

Not that she mentions it, that makes sense.

"So, you want me to strip in front of the mirror and see if I can notice anything."

"Exactly!"

I groan. I don't want to do this, but I do want to solve this heinous crime.

"Oh, fine! But you'll have to wait outside."

"Huh?! Why?! I'm the super observant Master Detective here!"

"Do you think I'm going to disrobe myself in the same room as _**you**_?"

Haruhi looks at me, a look of dismay on her face.

"Oh, fine. But call to me if you see anything strange."

"Well, that's a given!"

"Good luck, I guess." And with those words, Haruhi left the room. I faced the mirror and took a deep breath. I really don't wanna do this. I really, really don't. Oh, but I must. It's for the greater good. I think. Well... here goes nothing!

I loosen my tie, looking embarrassed. Why am I hesitating? It's not like anyone's watching me, right?

_Right?_

I take off my jacket. Nothing happens.

I take off my undershirt. Nothing happens.

I hesitantly remove my pants. Nothing happens. This idea keeps looking worse.

Why am I doing this, I ponder to myself. I slowly reach down to my underwear, when...

_**FLASH!**_

"I'm sorry, what?"

Before I could react, a figure clad in black burst out of the closet, hastily opening the door from my room.

"H-HARUHI!!!" I called out.

"I KNOW, DAMMIT!" I hear Haruhi calling out, chasing after the figure.

"GO ON! I'LL CATCH UP TO YOU!" I yelled at her, hastily putting on the pants and undershirt I just removed. No time for jackets or ties here, nope.

* * *

I ran outside where I see what I presumed was Haruhi chasing after the perpetrator down the street. I dash after them, managing to somewhat catch up. The figure eventually reached a bridge, a large river far down underneath it. Haruhi and I managed to corner him there.

"Sto...stop! Enemy of... of justice!" Haruhi said, out of breath. He did no such thing, and jumped into the river before we got a look at his face. Haruhi gasped and ran up to the edge of the bridge, looking down at the river soon enough to see him fall into the river.

"HUH?" What the...?!" She yelled. Understandably so. Just what the hell happened here?

"We're going back!" Haruhi says to me.

"To where? Back to school?" I reply. I don't get this person.

"No, you idiot! Back to your house! Your house!" She sayd, just a teeny-tiny bit of frustration in her voice.

True to her word, Haruhi marches back to the place I call home, dragging me by my shirt collar. I can walk on my own, you know.

"Shut up. We're here."

* * *

And she was correct. We walked up to my room once again. Haruhi noticed a digital camera on the floor.

"Ah-ha! E-vi-den-ce!" She said cheerfully, picking the camera up. She turned on the camera and cycled over to the camera's memory. And those would be naked pictures of me. All two of them. I snatched the camera out of her hands.

"Huh?! What are you doing?"

"I'm going to delete the pictures!"

"Why?!"

"Why? Isn't it kind of obvious why?"

"It's important evidence! Without that camera we have nothing!"

I looked at the camera uncomfortably. She's right. I hate it when she's right.

"So, what do you propose we do now?"

"Strange..." She said, kneeling by my closet. She's not listening...

"There isn't a hole or anything on the closet. How could he take those pictures though solid wood and a mirror?" Haruhi said to herself. Huh...

I stand next to her.

"That's strange. And I saw a flash coming for the camera, too."

"A flash? Well, that just complicates things even further!" Haruhi looks frustrated.

We look outside the window, puzzled.

"Whatever. I'm going home." Haruhi said, bored. Wait, what?

"But we still haven't—"

"Well, the criminal probably drowned and if he didn't we still have his camera. It's getting late, too. Let's try solving this tomorrow." Haruhi said, walking out of my room. "See you tomorrow."

"Yeah... bye." I said to her promptly dropping myself on my bed, holding the camera. I sigh.

Can't have a moment of rest, though. My doorbell rang, bringing more trouble and only more trouble. I walked downstairs and open the door.

* * *

"Oh, hello, there."

It was Koizumi. What's he doing here? And why is his hair... so...

..._wet...?_

"Wait..."

Koizumi smiled awkwardly.

"You... _**WHAT.**_" I yell at him. Understandably so, you'll most likely agree.

"Hang on, hang on. I can explain this."

"Well, you better or else I will brutally murder you right now!"

Koizumi walks in and sits down on the living room couch. He signals me to get over there.

"Well, why? Why, oh, why? Why did you tear my dignity apart? Was it some ploy to get Haruhi entertained? Do you get some sick, perverse thrill out of taking pictures of naked men?"

"Well, you certainly can't deny that Suzumiya-san was having fun solving the mystery."

"Oh. My. God. You made me a subject of ridicule at school all for the sake of keeping Haruhi entertained?!"

"Well, not just that. You could also call it 'ESP Exercise'."

"I'm sorry, what?"

Koizumi puts his index finger on his nose.

"All the things I did require ESP. The Agency recommended that I practice my powers in the real world, should I need to use them. I saw and took pictures through your closet door with ESP. I barely managed to fly out of the river with ESP. That same ESP was used to distribute printed copies of the photo throughout the school. Of course, I also used that very same ESP to destroy each copy of the picture, as well as erasing the memories of it in your classmates."

"Okay... wait, just my classmates? What about everyone else who saw it?"

"I don't mean this in a bad way, but... you look a bit... background character-ish. Students whom you aren't familiar with aren't very likely to remember your face."

He smiles. I groan.

"But why, of all things, take voyeuristic photos of me? You could've done anything else!"

"Why, that is very true, though there is a third reason..."

"And that is...?"

"_A practical joke_." He smiled at me.

A few seconds later, he was lying on the floor with a black eye. I dragged him to the front door and threw him out.

"**Please die**."

And with those words, I slammed the door shut, crawled up to my room and dropped myself on my bed. I instantly fell asleep. I just want to forget this day...

~the end~

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End file.
